


Indulging Rimmer

by neverbeen2spain



Category: Red Dwarf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-22
Updated: 2004-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:24:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverbeen2spain/pseuds/neverbeen2spain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for Alice in Stonyland</p>
    </blockquote>





	Indulging Rimmer

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Alice in Stonyland

 

 

Living aboard Red Dwarf had always been an interesting experience for her crew. For instance, there was the time that Rimmer populated an entire planet with his clones, or the time that they all traveled to a London where time moved backwards. The events that unfolded last week following a simple distress call certainly weren't what one would call run-of-the-mill either.

The call came in to Holly at oh-four-hundred hours. "Distress," her voice came over the loudspeakers in a monotone. "Someone is experiencing distress."

Rimmer rolled over and ignored her. Lister let out a snore and ignored her. Cat twisted into a tighter ball and ignored her. Only Kryten paid attention: he looked up from his ironing and asked Holly for the specifics on the situation.

"A nearby ship," she said. "There is one hologram on board."

\--3 days later--

Walking quickly through the corridor, Lister found himself telling Cat, "Your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother Frankenstein was every bit as attractive as you are. It was just in a very different way."

"But was she as stylish as I am?" asked Cat as the pair entered Lister's quarters.

Lister was so involved in the conversation that it wasn't until he tried to sit in his customary chair by Holly's screen that he realized that there was something very different about the room's dcor. For one thing, he immediately fell backwards into a gilded swan fountain. _Funny, that didn't used to be here_ , he thought, ignoring Cat's laughter.

A quick survey of the room brought on the realization that very few of the current furnishings used to be there. The fountain was hardly an anomaly, there were swans everywhere and nearly everything was gilded. Velvet curtains, tassels, and gold fringe were stylishly draped over most available surfaces. The wall opposite from their bunks was newly painted with a mural depicting a man following a breathtakingly beautiful woman down a flower-strewn path towards a cave. The table was littered with architectural drawings and, possibly oddest of all, Holly was singing opera. In German.

It was then that Rimmer made his entrance. He swept into the room in a long majestic cape and an old, regally cut, military-style uniform. Ignoring both the Cat and Lister, he marched straight over to Holly.

"Adelheid, you capture Isolde beautifully. You really do have an elegant singing voice. The maestro will be quite happy."

"Thank you," blushed Holly.

"Rimmer, what the smeg is going on?" Lister fairly yelled at the hologram.

His attitude icy, Rimmer turned and glared at Lister. "Adelheid, do you know this man? He must know that I do not tolerate such a disrespectful tone. The punishment is very high indeed."

Holly seemed to be weighing her words carefully. "He must not know how to speak to a _king_ , sir. Perhaps he should speak to Pfistermeister instead."

Rimmer considered this idea for a few moments and finally nodded. "Go, fetch him. We will let him deal with these insolent guests."

Before Holly bowed her head in agreement, Lister could swear that he saw her wink at him.

After that whole debacle with Rimmer, Lister was hardly surprised that Pfistermeister turned out to be Kryten.

"What the smeg is going on with Rimmer?" Lister asked, when he finally got away from his quarters and the delusional "king."

"Oh," whined Kryten, "you're not going to like this, sir."

"Tell me."

Whimpering slightly, the android began. "Do you remember last weekend when we answered that distress call?"

"Yeah, of course. We helped that hologram with her astro-navigational sensors."

"That hologram had a...oh, sir..."

"Out with it, Kryten."

"She had a holovirus." Kryten's face fell.

"Smeg! You mean to say..."

Cat cut to the chase. "Are we gonna have to dress in gingham again? `Cause I have no shoes to wear with an ensemble like that."

Ignoring him, Lister managed to sputter out, "Mr. Flibble?"

"No, sirs, this is a different holovirus. One that seems to impact the infirm in a totally new, and, I must say, unexpected way."

"And what way is that?" Lister asked.

"They mistakenly believe themselves to be historical figures."

Cat looked up from his personal grooming. "So, in the case of Old Crater Nostrils..."

"He thinks that he's King Ludwig the Second of Bavaria."

Lister thought about this. "You mean the guy who built the castle and was buddies with Richard Wagner?"

"That'd be the one."

"So, how can we fix this?"

"I have done some research into the malady, and I am working on the anti-virus. Until I find it, however, we need to indulge him. Otherwise he could be irreparably harmed."

Indulging Rimmer turned out to be much more entertaining than Lister originally expected. From his inexplicable need to genuflect before Cat's suit rack (which he had named Louis) to his admonition that they shouldn't bother to fight off an attacking Kinitowawi ship because, while they were annoying and possibly life threatening, "at least they weren't liars," the new Rimmer continued to amuse and confound everyone.

One night, wandering the corridors in search of a midnight curry, Lister saw a very odd procession coming around the corner. Rimmer was sitting in an ornate swan-shaped gold carriage that was being pulled by the skutters. In front of them was Cat, his arms full of feather pillows. He scattered the feathers as he walked, creating a downy snowfall.

Quickly, Lister ducked into the nearby Parrot's Bar to avoid being forced into the king's service. From behind the door, he could hear Cat unhappily grumbling about the ways that feathers and fringe clash horribly.

A few seconds later Rimmer's voice could be clearly heard above the steady whooshing noise of the carriage. "We must visit my subjects. They will be expecting me tonight."

When the group had passed, Lister emerged. Shaking his head, he wondered what "subjects" Rimmer was going to find. More likely than not they would be a pair made up of Talkie Toaster and a Pleasure GELF. Better them than him, Lister sighed and wandered off towards bed.

The next morning Lister was awoken by a smiling android. "I have been working for four straight days and nights, and I think that I've found the antidote, sir. What do you say we go to the hologram projection suite and try it out?"

"Smeggin' brilliant," Lister slid out of his bunk and groggily followed Kryten out of the room.

"I hope so, sir."

The cure, a combination of defragmentation and electronic exorcism worked beautifully. They found the erstwhile monarch lying in his bunk snoring. When Kryten woke him with a shake, Rimmer couldn't remember any of his regal adventures, and was understandably confused by the new swan-centric design scheme in his quarters.

Just because that was over, it didn't mean that things would ever return to normal on the ship. There were many more interesting experiences to come. They had yet to lose the ship after parking it on some deserted planet, or to find out that Lister was his own father. That would come later.

 


End file.
